Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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