If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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