and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
