Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize