He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
