My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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