I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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