Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
