dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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