I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
