i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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