Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
