yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
