I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
