If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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