Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
