have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
