Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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