In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
