how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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