it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You're a waste of cheezeits
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
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