my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
