Umm I'm too high to move.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
