Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
ugly people sure do ruin things
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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