I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Randomize
