we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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