Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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