Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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