Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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