I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
