the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
