peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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