Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I think I died a long time ago.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
