they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
