You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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