I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
