The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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