I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
