i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
