Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
