you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
