I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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