It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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