Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
