he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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