There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
