K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm really into asian looking animals
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize