Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
