Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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