...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This is my gift to your gina
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
