also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Randomize
