my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize