i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
