i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
