4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
