so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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