Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
