Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
