this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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