I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
