i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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